


Fissure

by p_maximoff



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I'm being torn apart, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:49:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5740819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/p_maximoff/pseuds/p_maximoff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pain was supposed to stop with his father's death. Snoke said it would stop. He'd be free of it. <br/>Snoke lied.<br/>The scavenger girl has left his face permanently scarred. Why does he feel thankful?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fissure

**Author's Note:**

> Just an idea i had. this is kind of depressing tbh

It’s easier for him now, he tells himself. He’s satisfied by the excruciating sting he feels every time he opens his mouth, raises his eyebrows, blinks. He refuses the pain killers the medical droids offer to him, even if that means suffering through his other wounds. Chewbacca's bowcaster had hit him on his side, and it was his worst injury. He couldn't help but feel bitter; the oversized mutt had all but raised him as his nephew and--Kylo Ren stopped himself. Even after everything, he couldn't hate the wookie. Or even his father. But they anchored him to the Light.

He wasn't sure if killing his father--no. Han Solo. He wasn't sure if killing Han Solo had actually done what it was supposed to do, if it made the pain stop. He told himself once the initial shock was over, once he'd healed physically, he'd be stronger. He wouldn't be torn in half. He'd be surefooted. Snoke would be proud. He told himself this over and over again.

The thought of the man made Kylo Ren's eyes burn and he yelled out in anger, throwing the nearest object to him against the wall of his temporary living quarters. His wound screamed out in protest and he hunched over, forced to take a seat on the bed. The moment right before his fathers body tumbled into the abyss replayed in his mind over and over again.

Even as the man took his last breath, as Kylo Ren's saber burned a hole through his heart, he saw the Light in his son. The soft touch of his father's hand was replaced with the burn of a wound, and he wondered if the universe was playing a joke on him, for the same spot that was stroked so lovingly to be marred in an act of hatred. If so, the universe had a sick sense of humor.

The pain in his side suddenly flared up again. The pain helps him focus, helps him drown out the light he feels from his core. The light that would pulse brighter every time he looked in the mirror. Every time he recognized the face that stared back at him. The face of Ben Solo. He’s grown taller, bulkier, his hair has grown, his voice has deepened. But his face remained the same, a constant reminder of who he used to be. He hated his face. He hated his rounded features; the soft brown eyes, the curve of his cheekbones, the freckles that dotted his smooth skin. Villains didn’t look like him. They were angular, all sharp edges and harsh features that made people squirm.

The scavenger girl had permanently muddled his features, and he was grateful. Because now when he lifts the mask, the face that stares back at him isn’t the face of the confused child he used to be. His soft features were torn in half by a jagged fissure that was less than easy on the eyes. The wound destroyed the one part of him that still resembled the boy he once was.

It's easier for him now, he tells himself. So why doesn't it feel that way?


End file.
